My countdown is at 7 days. I have 7 days until I’ve been alive for 23 years, and 7 days until I’m in Hawai’i celebrating said 23rd birthday. Minus family trips, trips booked home and extended weekends in California, this is the first vacation I’ve actually taken on my own. Now, I’m not going alone, I’ll be with my cousin, who is also on the adventure of a lifetime, doing things as a single person, but nonetheless, it doesn’t dim the fact that we’ll just be two girls, traveling the big island, with just our backpacks and my camera. We’re staying in a hostel, and basically beach bumming it around for 4 whole days. Nothing could be more exciting to me than traveling by myself. I tend to take in the scenery a lot more, I like to take in the full scope of everything around me, and this seems to be the perfect place to help kick start my new life.
Since my divorce, there has been a lot about my life, as well as myself, that I’ve changed. The way I dress, the way I view people and the world, the way I spend money, (more or less, that’s kind of the same, but I like to think it’s a little better, ha!) the way I choose who to and who not to love… These things are greatly impacted when you go through something as traumatic as losing your life partner. But there comes a choice in a person’s life, and this person just happened to be me, that needed to decide whether or not they were willing to put up with the pain and the guilt and the lie and the constantly waiting. Could I see myself being that woman? The one always waiting for her husband at the dinner table? The one raising their kids while he sits on the couch and complains about how he’s had a long day? No. I couldn’t. So I decided to choose me, and to take my life into my own hands again, and to make decisions for me, instead of two. I wanted a fuller life than that, I wanted to explore, be explored, and be loved completely. I wanted to be with someone that would accept me the way I am, and that would love me no matter my decisions in life, and vice versa. There is honestly nothing more enchanting to watch, than seeing two people so deeply in love, loving each other and the things and places around them in harmony. I want that. I deserve that. And I wasn’t getting just that. So I jumped, jumped into a deep, dark hole, a hole full of alcohol, a pool actually, probably an ocean deep, and I still think I might be drowning in that infinity pool, but with the help of some close friends, and some rekindled friendships as well, I’ve been able to start swimming back to the edge of reality, instead of drowning myself in it. I have no doubt that I’ll be able to get myself back there again, but for now I’m kind of just floating, wading around in the pool, swimming little by little whenever I feel ready, and slowly getting my shit back together.
I have a whole life ahead of me, and before I thought I knew exactly what it was going to look like, but now it’s just a blank canvas, a clear, white slate, and it kind of scares me that I don’t have a plan of action, that I’m kind of just going with the flow, but at the same time, I really like it… So here’s to new futures, here’s to a fresh start, and here’s to 7 more days until I’m 23 and happy.